Hello there. I am part of many face book forums and one thing I regularly notice is how many women (since these are mostly women only groups and forums) often put up questions, seeking relationship advice from fellow members. While venting out may seem like a good idea, unfortunately the downside is a plethora of opinions pouring in, most of which are negative. Now if a positive person had put the question forward, he or she may find hope and solace in the opinions positively expressed, however, drowning in a sea of negative comments will eventually taint the perspective of even the most positive ones amongst us. I am going to write below, what I posted on many groups and received an overwhelming response on how helpful the post has been. So thought, why not make it into a bog. This is what I wrote:
I do not undermine the benefits of such groups & I love how they serve many purposes; as a sounding board for expression of ideas and opinions, as a venting out ground for common issues and grievances impacting us, as an advisory mechanism for seeking opinions and ideas and moreover, to share light hearted humor and a good laugh quite often. On these very forums/ groups, I have frequently come across many posts seeking suggestions and opinions and while I would love to comment on each one of them, being a mompreneur (juggling multiple responsibilities in hand) makes it difficult to do so. Now many of you must be thinking especially those who are reading this post for the first time, who on earth is she and why would she want to comment, anyway. Well, simply because since a young age I have had an innate desire to help people. As a trainer and coach who helps people overcoming stress especially women who I believe, I help to Revitalize and Rise, I have this irresistible urge to offer free and often unsolicited advice and coaching!
However, this post is not to advertise about me but rather to help you! Venting out and asking for advice definitely makes us feels better, however, sometimes when we get too many opinions we often become confused. So I thought why not share a process which will help people in finding their own answers. And so here it is… a proven, self- vetted and endorsed by a hundreds others- process of self-coaching yourself to get answers to problems/ negativity in relationships, you may be facing at any given point in time.
Listed below are a list of questions which can facilitate all of amazing men & women (both) to come up with some answers. Nothing extra ordinary, probably most of these you are already doing or know about but just going over them once again can be helpful. While reading the questions please note XYZ is the given situation/grievance in hand whereas ABC is the person causing the grievance so here they go:
1) Has ABC always been like that? Or Has the situation XYZ always ben there? Or is it temporary?
2) Has there ever been a time ABC is not like that or actually acted differently or situation XYZ was different from what it is right now?
3) If the answer to the last question is YES what were the circumstances? If the answer is NO, go to question no 8
4) If ABC has been acting in a certain way, could it be that ABC is only reacting according to the best way known to them and they are unaware of any better way?
5) Could the timing be a factor in ABC acting that way ( certain triggers like stress period or new job, new role, transition, movement, new or budding relationships?
6) Could there be other factors affecting why ABC is or are acting in a certain way (loneliness, depression, boredom, old age, insecurity, fear of losing or missing out something, health issues etc) If that factor or trigger is removed, will ABC be/ act differently?
7) Is there anything you can do or you have done to improve the situation for ABC?
8) If yes, what have your tried and did it work and if not what you could do to make it work? What else can be done to improve situation XYZ? Have all efforts been exhausted?
9) Will the situation XYZ be different 5 years from now? Will it matter 5 years from now?
10) When you find yourself in XYZ situation, what will be the worst consequence and how will it affect you? They say anything that doesn’t kill only makes you stronger!
Of course, I do know these questions are general and more specific ones will help you way better but for now most of them will help you see situations and relationships in a new light! However, each person is an expert in his or own life so you will be the best judge of your tolerance and acceptance level- What could be a norm for the rest is outrageous for you, hence factor that in as well.
Of course, I do know these questions are very general and more specific ones will help you way better but for now most of them will help you as they helped me and many others to see situations and relationships in a new light! Always remember one thing, each person will react in a given situation according to his or her perspective and according to what he or she deems appropriate at that particular moment and it’s likely that the response is quite different from you because he or she is simply not you!
Hope this helps and if even if one of you is positively impacted by this self coaching process I will be doing a happy dance
Sending lots of positive energy and light your way!