If you hate some one right now, read this post.2 NLP presuppositions which will dramatically alter how you think and react!

I decided to take up a formal NLP qualification last year. Other than the obvious intention of adding more credibility to my training and HR consultancy as a licensed practitioner, I had personal reasons for joining the class, too. Two years ago I had experienced a sudden loss of a loved one and ever since then, I  had felt, I was being engulfed by a strong sense of unresolved grief which I thought NLP might help me with! I had heard raving reviews about the positive changes the latter brings about and while I was eager to learn about it, I must confess, I was still quite skeptical about the impact it would have on me, in the long run!

However, the first day in the training and I already knew why people claimed it to be a life transforming experience! There are many NLP presuppositions that form the foundation of Neuro Linguistic Programming and are fantastic but in this post, I shall only be sharing the ones I found to be most helpful to me. Here they go:
1. Everyone has a unique map of the world and each one responds to it differently: This is such a powerful concept and explains why some people react so differently from you even when you are faced with similar situations. Do you often feel frustrated with someone for what he/she does or does not do? Well, that’s because, simply put, he is not you! His map is different from yours. His perceptions, his perspectives and his model of the world and hence his way of acting or reacting will not necessarily be the same as yours,  in fact, he could possibly be way different from what you believe in or expect! Think of any objection, concern or even complain you have had with someone in the recent past: Why is she so aggressive? Why is he so submissive? Why can’t’ she take a stand for herself? Why doesn’t she reciprocate love and kindness, the same way I do? Why can’t they be more genuine? Why does he always compare? Why is he always so negative? Why can’t she be more realistic? Why is she so cold and expressionless? Why are they so thankless? Why can’t she be warmer? Why is he so hyper and over excited all the time? Why can’t she move on and get over it? What! he has already moved on, but why?  These and many more similar queries will often come up when you are encountering various people in your life, every day. It is but natural to be affected by what people you care about, do or do not do. However when you start acknowledging ‘the difference of maps’ in various individuals in your life, you will start being more empathetic and understanding of how and why the react, the way they do.Now, I am definitely not suggesting that  after reading this presupposition, you will transcend to an extraordinary, ethereal level where you will start viewing each and every person positively and favorably irrespective of what they do, but yes, after reading this belief, you may already be looking at different situations & people with a new light in  your eyes!
2.The meaning of communication is the response you get! At work or even at home we often feel exasperated for not being understood. Why doesn’t she listen? Why is it so difficult for him to understand? Why she always, misunderstands? This is where this NLP assumption comes in handy! In every communication, our purpose is to influence the receiver. It could either be an emotion, advice, instruction, statement or a combination of all these. Now, this communication will only be meaningful and will serve the purpose, if the recipient responds in a way, that you have intended him to respond. I once had a helper who habitually misunderstood every instruction I gave her which annoyed me profusely and even though I had promised myself not to react vehemently, I did end up being thoroughly frustrated. After reading this presupposition I belatedly realized that my communication failure with her was more my fault than hers! You see,  before asking her to do anything I  had already made up my mind that this instruction would have to be reiterated several times before I could expect it to be executed smoothly. The result being an unconducive, irked tone of voice combined with vague details of what had to be done, shared rather half-heartedly. If I had varied my communication style the very first time until I had elicited the desired response, then I probably would have saved, both of us, more time and energy! Some communication variations include adjusting the tone of your voice, the volume, facial expressions, eye contact as well the words themselves. It would be a good idea to ask yourself the following questions: Are you using any jargons? Have you given too many instructions in one go or did you leave out some important details? Is your tone too gentle or too firm? Are you squinting your eyes or furrowing your brows? Is there eye contact? Is the eye contact too intimidating? Do you look interested or bored or tired? The best way to know if you are on the same page as the recipient is to gauge his reactions and response; if they seem satisfactory then go ahead, if not then go back to the previous questions and reassess your communication style! To summarize,  in any communiation initiated by you, much of responsibility to impact it positively lies with you and not the other party. Once you believe this premise to be true and start taking responsibility for what you want to exchange, trust me you will be an even better communicator than you already are!

These two founding principals or presuppositions really helped me in reevaluating my relationships with several people and changed the way  I looked at them and to be honest, it was quite liberating. After all harboring grievances and holding on to grudges can be quite draining, isn’t it? It’s okay to feel vengeful and resentful in some situations but when you are lingering on it for too long and more than necessary, remind yourself; her map is different from yours and move on. Neuro Linguistic Programming is indeed a very interesting study. The presuppositions are just the beginning of your NLP journey with me and you already seem quite fascinated, aren’t you? Well, imagine what the rest of it will be like! Stay tuned for more blogs on this topic and be ready to learn many more interesting concepts behind this amazing science. I love NLP and by the end of it, I am positive, you will too!

Until next time,

Cheers

10 powerful questions which can help you overcome negativity when dealing with others

Hello there. I am part of many face book forums and one thing I regularly notice is how many women (since these are mostly women only groups and forums) often put up questions, seeking relationship advice from fellow members. While venting out may seem like a good idea, unfortunately the downside is a plethora of opinions pouring in, most of which are negative. Now if a positive person had put the question forward, he or she may find hope and solace in the opinions positively expressed, however, drowning in a sea of negative comments will eventually taint the perspective of even the most positive ones amongst us. I am going to write below, what I posted on many groups and received an overwhelming response on how helpful the post has been. So thought, why not make it into a bog. This is what I wrote:

I do not undermine the benefits of such groups & I love how they serve many purposes; as a sounding board for expression of ideas and opinions, as a venting out ground for common issues and grievances impacting us, as an advisory mechanism for seeking opinions and ideas and moreover, to share light hearted humor and a good laugh quite often. On these very forums/ groups, I have frequently come across many posts seeking suggestions and opinions and while I would love to comment on each one of them, being a mompreneur (juggling multiple responsibilities in hand) makes it difficult to do so. Now many of you must be thinking especially those who are reading this post for the first time, who on earth is she and why would she want to comment, anyway. Well, simply because since a young age I have had an innate desire to help people. As a trainer and coach who helps people overcoming stress especially women who I believe, I help to Revitalize and Rise, I have this irresistible urge to offer free and often unsolicited advice and coaching!

However, this post is not to advertise about me but rather to help you! Venting out and asking for advice definitely makes us feels better, however, sometimes when we get too many opinions we often become confused. So I thought why not share a process which will help people in finding their own answers. And so here it is… a proven, self- vetted and endorsed by a hundreds others- process of self-coaching yourself to get answers to problems/ negativity in relationships, you may be facing at any given point in time.

Listed below are a list of questions which can facilitate all  of amazing men & women  (both) to come up with some answers. Nothing extra ordinary, probably most of these you are already doing or know about but just going over them once again can be helpful. While reading the questions please note XYZ is the given situation/grievance in hand whereas ABC is the person causing the grievance so here they go:
1) Has ABC always been like that? Or Has the situation XYZ always ben there? Or is it temporary?
2) Has there ever been a time ABC is not like that or actually acted differently or situation XYZ was different from what it is right now?
3) If the answer to the last question is YES what were the circumstances? If the answer is NO, go to question no 8
4) If ABC has been acting in a certain way, could it be that ABC is only reacting according to the best way known to them and they are unaware of any better way?
5) Could the timing be a factor in ABC acting that way ( certain triggers like stress period or new job, new role, transition, movement, new or budding relationships?
6) Could there be other factors affecting why ABC is or are acting in a certain way (loneliness, depression, boredom, old age, insecurity, fear of losing or missing out something, health issues etc) If that factor or trigger is removed, will ABC be/ act differently?
7) Is there anything you can do or you have done to improve the situation for ABC?
8) If yes, what have your tried and did it work and if not what you could do to make it work? What else can be done to improve situation XYZ? Have all efforts been exhausted?
9) Will the situation XYZ be different 5 years from now? Will it matter 5 years from now?
10) When you find yourself in XYZ situation, what will be the worst consequence and how  will it affect you? They say anything that doesn’t kill only makes you stronger!
Of course, I do know these questions are general and more specific ones will help you way better but for now most of them will help you see situations and relationships in a new light! However, each person is an expert in his or own life so you will be the best judge of your tolerance and acceptance level- What could be a norm for the rest is outrageous for you, hence factor that in as well.
Of course, I do know these questions are very general and more specific ones will help you way better but for now most of them will help you as they helped me and many others to see situations and relationships in a new light! Always remember one thing, each person will react in a given situation according to his or her perspective and according to what he or she deems appropriate at that particular moment and it’s likely that the response is quite different from you because he or she is simply not you!
Hope this helps and if even if one of you is positively impacted by this self coaching process I will be doing a happy dance
Sending lots of positive energy and light your way!